How to do Egypt the Dumbest Possible way you can โœŒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ˜˜

When people think of Exceptional Egypt, they tend to imagine great big Pyramids, huge temple complexes, sandy deserts, middle eastern food and countless other amazing noteworthy aspects of this ancient land. Me however, I think back to my yr 10 maths teacher Mr Saad who would aggressively greet his students with a very liberal fist pump/king-hit. Needless to say I was thrilled when I decided to add Egypt to my year long around-the-world adventure. Theย juxtapositionย of accidental assault against the majestic orange backdrop of the Egyptian sun is something you must see to believe.
I booked a tour because as much as I detest tours, Iโ€™m also a big fan of staying alive and being a black gay man form Australia the odds werenโ€™t particularly in my favour when it comes to Muslim countries. Nevertheless I clicked book because fuck that shit I want some dope-ass Instagrams to make all my friends say “Dayum his life really is better than mine” LOL jks. Here is my handy-dandy 15 point plan on how to do Egypt the dumbest way you possibly can, cause itโ€™s me and lets be real people worry about me! โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜ญโœŒ๐Ÿฝ

  1. Ponder how the first tour representative you meet must be Carmen San Diego as he somehow meets you at the gate of your arriving flight despite not being actually being an airport worker or security. Nevertheless thank him for helping you navigate immigration which makes absolutely no sense ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜™๐Ÿ˜™
  2. Needlessly question the professional qualifications of your transfer driver as he need-for-speed styles drives you to your hotel while you scream for Jesus to take you! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ
  3. Meet all your tour mates and judge them immediately and secretively to prolong them finding out for as long as possible that your are dead inside ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ
  4. Come to the realisation that they are actually quite rad as you admire there selfie game and share the same face when your tour guide keeps exclaiming that Pharaoh Tutankhamun was “bloody shit mate” ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜
  5. Marvel at the Great Pyramids of Giza and hundreds of ancient artefacts at the Egyptian Museum but be more impressed with hustling skills of modern-day Egyptians who build incomplete apartments with no windowsย in order to avoid taxย ๐Ÿ–๐Ÿพ
  6. Jump on a 14hr long drive to Aswan and curse the 15 million illgal speed humps that make it impossible to sleep on the journey. Pretend its all good as you make camel hump jokes even though there are technically more camels roaming around in Oz than in Egypt ๐Ÿช ๐Ÿซ๐Ÿช ๐Ÿซ
  7. Proudly say your name in Arabic to the family run house restaurant in a traditional Nubian village before you scream and run out the door after a their surprise crocodile “pets” (casually hanging out in the sand of the living room) pees on you! ๐ŸŠ๐Ÿ˜ž
  8. Get on board a traditional Felucca sail boat and get excited to sail down the Nile.ย Freeze your balls off as you proceed to swim in the Nile forgetting winter still exists in deserts. Then have a drink up with yourย tour mates and wake up to one of them vomiting next to you and then proceeds to sleep ON YOU, because of course! ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜ฏ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ฉ ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜’
  9. Illegally steal some photos inside the majestic Abu Simbel temples and pose for more photos after aggressively staking out a spot through some very inspirational/questionable interpretive dance moves
  10. Visit the oldest religious constructs in the world, Karnak Temple Complex and marvel at how one of your tour mates seems unimpressed and questions why “itโ€™s all broken and shit“. Subtly remind him that its almost 4000 years old while your tour guide stares into space questioning his career/life choices ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
  11. Laugh along awkwardly as your tour guide screams that we must get to the next destination “BEFORE THE CHINESEEEE“…right next to a large group of Chinese tourists who do not at all look impressed ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚
  12. Corrupt yourย timeโ€ at the Valley of the kings.ย Get fake arrested to taking illegal photos inside the tombs and then bribe the security guard a gran 10c to get out of valley jail. Afterwards take a weird tuk-tuk train to the parking lot where the driver is more busy taking selfies rather than actually driving. Celebrate you still being alive by taking a selfie, in which a hoard of 40 randoms jump in screaming after they see you doing so!ย ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿพ
  13. Celebrate Australia day under the Egyptian sun by listening to the Hottest 100, all the while explaining this all to the one Kiwi tour mate who doesn’t understand Aussie culture. Continue to the celebrations by dancing around a camp fire to traditional Nubain music with such soothing lyrics such as “FUKKA FUKKA YOUUโ€. Oh and make sure to get pissed in the true spirit of ‘Straya Cunts ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡บ
  14. Celebrate your last night together with such rad tour mates by wearing the ugliest things you can find at the markets such as ” I โค๏ธEGYPT shirts, bumbags, hareem pants and belly dancing jangles. Do this all aboard a fancy cruise boat with one of the most aggressive buffets you will ever experience in your lifetime and a performerย that spins around for 20mins without somehow dying!
  15. Burst into tears as you give a fond farewell to your new travel buddies and experience one last bout of searing anger when airport officials, security staff and even plane hostesses demand a tip from you! Sorry I’m making you do the job that you are currently being paid forย ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ค

Egypt was truly amazing and unique. You are in Africa but strongly feel like your in the Middle East. Ancient historic sights mingled with dodging traffic and exclamations from street vendors such as “You are worth 10 million camels”, “Come here and give me your moneyโ€ or my personal favourite, “Hey Mr Jackson, my brother, my colour you Egyptian now!โ€. Denial is not a funny joke, its a river in Egypt and one that I cherish as it has made this remarkable country what it is. As said so eloquently by one before me, the honourable Mr Arnold Swatchernegger, I’LL BE BACK โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜ญโœŒ๐Ÿฝ

 

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