Watch out Eddie Murphy Because “Iโ€™M COMING TO AMERICA” – A Week in NYC ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ

“New York, New York – Itโ€™s a hell of a town”, is what the say and goddamit they are right! NYC for me is the perfect bend of a flithly city, questionable characters, overtly racist immigration officials and cheap food. Wrapped up with an amazing energy that simply cannot be surpassed. Follow me for my โ€™Murrican 10 step guide on big apple must doโ€™s: ๐ŸŽโœŒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ

  1. Get grilled when going through immigration, this is Trumpโ€™s America and itโ€™s way too real! Being a black Australian definitely does not make it easier, my mother suggested I shave so “absolutely no-one thinks you’re Muslimโ€. Prepare to answer questions on your instagram, where you have been before, occupation and money and take a secutity-scan that intimately shows absolutelyย EVERYTHING, but hey maybe the immigration officer coulda been the one who knows ๐Ÿ‘ฎ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿพ
  2. Take the Subway throughout NYC, where for an impressive $2.75USD per ride you can experience disgusting platforms, an archaic paper card that barely works when swiped, rats everywhere on the platform and if youโ€™re really lucky like me, almost get vomitted on by a fellow passenger who clearly could not contain himself from my beautiful sight! If thatโ€™s not value for money, IDK what is ๐Ÿ˜ณ ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ณ
  3. Try to blend in like a local by: Being passive aggressive to other pedestrians, be in a perpetual rush and slightly drunk at all times, gorge yourself on $1 slices of pizza (BIG FAN) – pizza is life ๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ•๐Ÿ•
  4. Take some majestic tourist shots on the Brooklyn bridge, proceed to agree be in an impromptu music video proposed by a dodgy looking Chinese tourist, dance your heart out in full judging view of the public and have her run away without properly explaining the true purpose of your majestic grooves. Will you be famous in a China or will you be added to someoneโ€™s wank-bank? who knows, embrace it and take it as a level up on your self-esteem ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ˜ฑโ€ฆ..๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
  5. Catch a Broadway show like a true local, go get your cheap seats from TKTS booth but at Wall St, cause your an intelligent tourist with no time to willingly admit you are a tourist, get to the show and throw all your suave out the window when you loudly cackle at the actor playing Genie in Aladdin the Musicalโ€™s clever use of pop-culture references such as “CASSHME OUSSIDE HOWBOUDAH & AINโ€™T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DISโ€ ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
  6. Peruse through Central Park fighting every urge to pat all the dogs or to steal a childโ€™s sleigh and throw yourself from a snow covered hill and plough into innocent passers by – you may succumb to the last one such as someone I know ๐Ÿ™„
  7. Make friends with 3 Argentinian hostel dorm-mates and collectively plot your revenge on the other guests who have sex underneath your bed, scream for no apparent reason in the middle of your glorious dreams and have the most satanic snoring you have ever had the unpleasant experience of ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ค
  8. Furiously look for a bathroom only to be told that they are for “paying customers onlyโ€, “closed due to an earlier drug overdoseโ€ or more commonly “fuck offโ€ – and then slowly accept and come to the realisation that you may have to pop a squat right in the middle of the street and that this is about to happen. Right before you accept your fate you realise your two blocks away from your hostel and make a mad rush to prevent intense humiliation and potential arrest ๐Ÿ˜ณ ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ’ฉ
  9. Be accused of “packing” by what was thought to be a friendly passer-by, explain and play up the fact that you’re both Aussie/Kiwi and we don’t do guns where we’re from cause obvs! Reiterate this fact by using Aussie slang that you never use back home such as “Struth & G’Day“, or my greatest shame, reffering to food as “Tucker
  10. If all else fails, try doing what I did and attempting to be all hipster in Williamsburg, Brooklyn; only to go to the wrong part which is very orthodox Jewish and have people stare at you with a clear as day expression of “WTF are you doing hereโ€. But itโ€™s all good there is always a dive bar around the corner to drink up in and pretend like nothing but joy occurred that day!๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡บ

Alas, New York is New York and you must take the good with the not-so-great, enjoy the buzz of the city, embrace the relentless hustle that everyone employs on a daily. And if ever in doubt as I always seem to be just remember that it’s not you, it’s simply just ‘Murricaย ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ



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